Hardee B:

Hi, I’m Hardy Bhasvar. I had stage two Hodgkin’s lymphoma, and my question is, how to navigate the disconnection you feel after your cancer diagnosis with your peers.

Paige Malinowski, MSW, LCSW:

Hi, Hardy. Thank you so much for your question. My name is Paige Malinowski, and I’m a clinical social worker at Dana Farber Cancer Institute in Boston, Massachusetts. Your question, Hardy, is such a common experience for young adults who have navigated a cancer diagnosis to feel this sense of disconnect or isolation from your old or longtime friends.

First and foremost, you’re recognizing and naming this feeling, which is a big step towards helping you manage it. Thinking about what emotions come up for you around cancer. It’s very normal to cycle through a range of emotions like sadness, anger, shock, hope, and much more. Unless your friends have been through cancer, it’s going to be very challenging for them to truly understand what it’s been like for you. And often, when someone can’t relate to an experience, this can present a silence or saying something that’s not helpful or supportive, people may not know how to show up for others during difficult times, and while it’s usually well-intentioned, it can become hurtful. So, sometimes young adults find it helpful to just name the elephant in the room. It’s okay to tell your friends what’s bothering you and how you want to be treated during and after treatment. You may need to be very direct and offer concrete actions, such as today’s a good day, and I don’t want to talk about cancer today, or hey, I’m having a really rough day, can we go for a walk? These conversations can be tough to have, so you could also start by writing down some of your thoughts onto paper, even on your phone, getting these words out of your mind and out into the world can help you feel more connected with yourself, your story, the present moment, and ultimately be more grounding. It can also help you to start to have these conversations with your friends when you’re ready. Also, you can think about who was there for you during treatment and after, who showed up for you when you needed it, maybe people who you expected, or maybe people you didn’t expect. Maybe you connected with other young adults at your hospital when you’re going through treatment. It’s okay to enhance new relationships too. You can talk to your care team to see what peer support options might be available to you, either in a group or social setting. Connections with peers who understand and share similar experiences can offer validation and help you feel less alone in what you’ve been through.

And finally, and maybe most importantly, remember to prioritize yourself, focus on things that you can control and protect your energy for activities or connections that bring you joy or help you feel fulfilled, perhaps those are the same things that brought you joy before cancer, or maybe they’ve changed, and that’s totally okay. Tuning into where you are at in this particular moment, or any particular moment, can encourage stronger emotional connection to yourself and others around you. And if you’re finding that your sense of disconnect and isolation is overwhelming, or persistent, or starting to interfere with your day-to-day life. You can also consider working with a mental health professional to help process these emotions and develop other coping strategies. Be sure to talk with your care team about how to connect with professional support or other resources that could be helpful. Thank you again, Hardy, for your question.